Why Marry An Educated Woman At All?

/ April 16, 2017

Today I’m angry…. beyond words. I’m furiously typing this on my phone because I don’t want to waste time by going to my laptop, switching it on, logging in and what not and risk losing my chain of thoughts… or my anger.

I’m angry at every parent who dares to show their girl-child that she can dream of real equality. I am angry at every son who thinks that he deserves an educated woman who will quit her aspirations and ambitions just to make him ‘ghar ka khana‘ (home-made food). I’m angry at every girl who listens to such dimwits.

I’ll tell you the source of this anger…

I got off a phone call from a friend who told me she had left her well paying job as a Software Engineer only to reprise the role of a homemaker, because no one in her husband’s family supported her work. She was miraculously calm throughout the conversation, but I was beset with rage. This friend is a university topper, a gifted singer and had plans to set up her own business. To hear her leave it all behind just so she could do something that her husband’s family could afford getting done by a house-help, was heart-breaking to hear.

I instantly flashed back to all those women I know, including me, who have had reasons to leave their jobs and sit at home. And oddly enough, most of them belong to ‘well to do‘ families. Even more oddly enough, many of them didn’t even have children at the time when they quit their jobs, because if you have children, it could make sense. But what sense does it make for a highly educated woman to just sit at home and look pretty? It made me wonder about what female-education really means to us Indians.

Is it just a ticket to a good matrimonial match, or is it just a badge for the girl, to be worn on parties and gatherings, but never to be really used in her life time?

My friend’s case is not a solitary one. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. I have already talked about how women from lesser educated backgrounds in our country are left with minimal education, just so they can be married off at a young age. But to see this plaguing even so called ‘educated and well-to-do families’, is beyond my comprehension.

It only means this – that no matter how well educated a woman maybe, she will always first be just ‘a woman‘. It doesn’t matter that that woman is a university topper, or an engineer (like my friend), or a lawyer (like me) or otherwise capable of being something else… something more. It’s a tag that means that the person is good enough to do only what women should do –

Take care of the household

By no means do I mean that taking care of the house is a menial thing. No, in many ways it’s a far tougher yet less rewarding job. I am a homemaker, mostly, so I know just what it’s like to juggle so many roles. And ywt, I rue the fact that I had to give up my job after I got married. For a while I felt useless being just a homemaker, when peers around me were doing well in their jobs. But I found another way of working, and even though I’m not exactly sated with what I’m doing right now, I’m happy because I know it’s only a stepping stone for something far more, and I know I have supporters.

But there are millions of women out there who don’t have the luxury of moral or any other kind of support for work; Doctors, Engineers, MBA’s who are told,

Why do you need to work? Your husband earns well enough…

Or,

If you have a to work, become a teacher (who told you cultured idiots that teachers have less hectic jobs?)

Or even,

Our Indian Culture does not permit it!!!

But our Indian Culture permits us to seek the following type of girl, like she’s a commodity –

Homely, tall, fair, slim, well educated girl for their tall, fair, handsome, 6 figure earning Son (This is an example of what most matrimonial adverts in newspapers read like).

Oh, and our Indian Culture does permit us to flash our daughters-in-law’s/wive’s educational qualifications like a trophy, but her working is not permitted?

Really?!!

Just what’s the point behind looking for a ‘well educated’ girl if the girl has to leave all her education behind, shut herself inside your doors and work towards making a ‘good wife‘? And by the way, just what the heck is a good wife?

Is a woman who works, but ensures that her household is run properly with the aid of a house-help, or handles the house even without help, not a good wife?

Is a woman who is ambitious and earns more than the man of the house, not a good wife?

Is a woman, who after a tiring day at work, comes back and serves you food from a container, not a good wife?

If your only motive of marrying a ‘well-educated’ girl is so that she knows how to read and write, can hold a decent conversation with your peers and colleagues, can talk about the latest gossip on Page 3, or FB, and can educate your children, then be assured, a simple matriculation can take care of all of that too. If that is the motive, then no girl who seeks an alliance should ever be allowed to dream of being anything other than just a barely literate woman. And by the way, the irony of this country is, that someone who can only sign their own names, is also considered literate. Then by all means, marry a girl who never wishes to obtain a higher education to be something more than ‘a woman’. For heaven’s sake, don’t marry a highly educated girl and then crush her aspirations into the ground by telling her that she is,

‘ONLY A WOMAN’

 

 

Copyright ©2017 by Pradita Kapahi.

All rights reserved.

 

Image Credits: ArtsyBee

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186 thoughts on “Why Marry An Educated Woman At All?”

  1. Totally agree with the faults in our society. And a girl should speak up against this. Education is not for a mere degree, it’s for a better quality of life. How can it be possible if her own parents won’t support her !? And a marriage or a relationship toally depends on freedom and space both persons give to each other…

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  2. I can see how disappointed and furious you are ..Indians mindset must be changed as you told they have their degree just as a possession just to boast around .. I think girls are more emotional so they give up easily..You sacrifice your life for your family thats the indian perception about females in the society..

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  3. Your anger is well placed and the situation you describe is prevalent in Nepal too. You know we created an education academy in Kathmandu staffed with 8 highly educated females, all less than 30 years of age. Two came to U.K. For specialist training, the rest all trained by U.K. Experts in Nepal. Then, slowly but surely all left for exactly the reasons you describe. We wasted a fortune building this organisation only to see it implode partly because of a backward antiquated culture where the whole system is geared towards supporting the husbands family! Some of our brightest and best consultants became servants to their husbands mothers! Their education, experience, talent and value to their country absolutely wasted.

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    • What you have described is nothing new to me Dr. I have seen so many cases in my own friend circle and family now that I fear for my own daughter. If I, having attained the level of education that I have could not dodge this bullet, then I don’t know how women of lesser fortunate backgrounds would fare. What level of education do we Indians need to change thier mindsets, I do not know. But I hope, I can only hope, that things take a turn for the better when my daughter is of age. Thank you for commenting and sharing your experience. ☺️

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      • When I built our organisation in nepal I was warned what would happen. But all of the male applicants for posts were arrogant and nowhere near as committed to personal learning as the young women. I saw a great opportunity to change something but didn’t appreciate the power of the culture I was within. After a few years I felt the worst approaching and started to joke with the staff that they should find an Englishman to marry! Nobody did, but several have commented to me now they wish they had taken my advice. So my advice for your daughter ……… I think you know!

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        • Lol Doctor. Or else she shouldn’t marry at all. There are some households who still ‘allow’ thier daughters wives and sisters to work, but it’s all at thie own convenience and whims. Should a woman wish to work inspite of her family’s dictates, she risks being thrown out or called names. What can she do then in the face of such criticism. If she works she’s called a bad mother or wife, if she doesn’t, she’s only a trophy wife at best. Things are changing very very very slowly. I hope that by the time my daughter marries things have really really changed, or I’ll just have to advice her to do exactly what you told me 😉

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  6. Well presented thoughts. The reason that many educated women have to sacrifice their purposeful life is that the in-laws in most cases and the husband in very many cases think that the wife should take only a subordinate position in the family. This is feudalistic mentality. This mentality will continue to have sway as long as the society believes that the ultimate goal of a woman is to raise a family and nothing else. A fundamental change should take place in the society’s idea of marriage, family and the position of the woman in the society and also how the society treats the independent women.

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  7. I know! I can understand the rage you feel because I feel exactly the same way! It’s a grave injustice. I take offense when anyone tells me that “teaching” is the best job for a girl. Whenever this happens, I let them know that it’s not my dream job. At this point, some people push me further by telling me not to seek jobs that’ll require a lot of work. One was rude enough to tell me, “What’s the use? You’ll have to resign in a few years when you get married”. I was so angry and I didn’t hold back when I let them know what I thought about their so-called opinion! The society has such double standards! It’s an irony – when you do get employed, many “proposals” start arriving, but as soon as the marriage is over and done, the job becomes a burden. I know some people who keep asking me if I’m employed just so they can set me up with someone. (I watch their faces with utmost satisfaction when I let them know that I have no plans to marry anytime soon and that it’ll better to leave me out of their “matchmaking” group.) And I’m enraged deeply by the fact that it’s always the women who have to sacrifice their careers and much more, but rarely do they get the credit for their hard work. No one is concerned about how unfair it is to ask a woman to quit a job. We worship and adore many goddesses, conduct festivals in their name but many women in our country are yet to receive respect and fair treatment. Men (and their families) like these are seemingly seeking for a “soulmate” but in reality, all they want is a house-help who will be there to help 24×7 and they wouldn’t need to shell out a single penny for the service. I hate that everyone expects a woman/girl to accept whatever decision is taken for her, “independence” in every sense is the birthright of men but not the same for women. It is so unfair. My blood boils just at the thought of it. So I show my displeasure and rage the way I can – by expressing my feelings when anyone forces their opinion on me and by not letting anyone kill my voice, my ambitions or my dreams!

    Phew, I know that was extra long but this is a subject that hit quite close to home. I couldn’t resist from typing.

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  8. Great post! It’s amazing how culture defines a woman’s role in India. I didn’t complete my bachelor’s degree until I was in my mid 40’s. I live in the U.S. Now as I approach 60, and currently being under employed, I find myself facing ageism. Forget that I’m a very talented accountant, and have been for the past 30 years. It’s very frustrating.

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  9. Omg!!! So true and that makes me angry as well!! I know how this would feel. I’m a biotechnology grad and was furious when I couldn’t go out and work, coz mum & dad were looking out for the eligible bachelor. I mean, what’s the whole point of that education? It isn’t my parents who are wrong but the society that wants a girl to be educated but do nothing more than sit at home.. hypocrite much, you society!

    Enter my hubby, who made me get into Law, made sure that I had a goal in life and pursued my dreams.

    Cut to today, I do legal conveyancing, handle my hubster’s law firm in my own insignificant way, manage 2 children with immense help from my parents, blog about food, attend meets regarding the food industry and still have time to enjoy my life. In the 5 years of my marriage, I’m a different person today 😁😍

    If there’s anybody who made me understand my worth & what I’m capable of, it’s my hubster !! Blessed to have him..

    P.S: My parents support me unconditionally today, coz they understand that, you really shouldn’t give a hoot to what society thinks & oughta do what you think is the best 👍🏻👍🏻

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    • I applaud your Husband’s and your parents support to you. This is exactly what we need today – people who will show the prudes of society the middle finger and not succumb under pressure. You’re an inspiration to all women just like your Husband is an inspiration to में. Thank you so much for reading and commenting 😊

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  11. Agree with you totally. I know many of such girl who left their job to please their in-laws. I don’t understand this social structure, first they want an educated girl then they say they don’t want her to work. And secondly, if she can respect their choice, then why they can’t respect her choice of living a life and career. Marriages become more like a business deal. This is absurd.

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  12. You reflected the thoughts of many women in our society(in that case you are a good lawyer) we prepare late night for our exams, compete with friends for marks without knowing its not going to be useful for us. The most petty reality is this society and our family makes us to sit at home and they will convenience ourselves as it is right. What I feel more bad is we don’t get respect even in our families , they will easily say you are simply sitting at home.

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    • Precisely! It’s like you work, you’re bad, you don’t work, you’re useless. What are we supposed to do to get some respect in our own homes? I say work, because then at least you’ll have respect from your workplace.

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  14. Well written , and even im angry with these kinda behavioural attitudes that people have… I do agree with your thoughts .. The saddest part of this society is that most often we hear this sacrificing dialoges from another female only… As if we are born to do what others want or what make them happy even at the cost of our dreams..
    As i believe we must take our our decisions and set our goals on the basis of our priority list… But that doesn’t means we have to leave our jobs ..its jst mean we need to manage with all stuff… First of all don’t get married for the sake of marriage…jst follow dreams express your desires …. Who says we can’t manage , we have multitasking ability inbuilt in us… Only willingness is required… Jst sticking to things will serve the purpose …
    Doing job doesn’t mean earning money only… Its more then that… Your individuality, independence , confidence and many more… It describes you as an individual person and you set an eg for others too…. Who have left their dreams somewhere in the middle … May start all over again….

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    • That’s absolutely right. Most of such dialogues and diktats come from females themselves and that what makes it even more difficult. If we women won’t change then why will the other gender bother about helping us out? We need to tell our daughters, sisters, wives and mother in laws that they need to shed these feudal notions or they’ll bring not just themselves down, but the entire womanking of this nation too. Thank you for your honest appreciation. 😊

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  15. Pradita, you have certainly fired up a storm with this post and it is one of the best I have read with sensible comments in ages. I would like to reblog it in a new category I am starting this weekend if that’s ok with you ……. probably from San Francisco!
    Also I promised you an article on education which I have now finished and am about to post. Amazingly it follows on from this post of yours about the true value of education to society and I have used Nepal as an example. It would be good to reblog it while your own is still hot with your followers and connect them?
    B 🙏🕉👫

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    • Dr B. Thank you so much for being the first to comment on this post and being so supportive of it. I must also thank you on behalf of people of this subcontinent for your efforts towards Nepali education. What you and your wife have done is commendable, never mind that it didn’t have the intended outcome. I shall be honoured if my post is re logged on your blog, and I shall promptly reblog your blog too.

      Thanks and regards 😊🤝🙏

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  17. To resolve this problem first of all before marriage the deal were finalised about future married life. If the boys and his family is not satisfied with the job of girl then deal cancel and if boy and his family satisfies with the job of girl then deal finalised for future marriage life. After marriage if boy have problem with the job of wife the deal then discuss problems with parents and relatives or option for separate life.

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    • But Daneel who’s to say that the boy and his family won’t break their promise after marriage. And besides according to Hindu law, marriage isn’t a contract and such promises are not valid. How will a girl enforce them? No, the answer is, we have to root out the problem from its source, that is our mindset. We have to change it.

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      • Marriage is like a contract between tow peoples and the girl with job is independent so if the husband opposes the jobs of wife, the option for wife is to seperate.
        If the husbabd and wife jobs in a company then what about children depen upon AAYA. it is also a problem of take care of children

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        • Yes i know that aayas are not a solution, but why prohibit the girl to work even when she’s childless? I think I did mention in the post that most women I knew who had left their jobs didn’t even have childrenthe at the time. Neither did I. So what’s the excuse then? As far separating is concerned, that will only break the family system. How is that a valid solution?

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          • The children needs a mother instead of father. The nature gives a special power to girls for motherhood. Without mother the child helpless and contact with other person who harms child and also kidnapping of children increases due to both the husband and wife were busy in their jobs. If the girl have no children then do their job but when a child born the problem arises who is responsible for child caring.

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            • The answer is both the parents are equally responsible. There is no such thing as a woman being better equipped at rearing a child than a man. My husband is at times a better parent than I am. And what of those children who have lost their mothers? Do their father’s dont make good parents? But yes, I do admit thay when a child is born, at least one parent must be by their side till they are old enough to go to school and handle themselves. But why must that parent be a woman only? What if the woman earns more than the man? Should she still leave her job and sit back?

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              • yes both the parents are responsible for caring of children but newly born child did not propertly without mother. If the newly born child were not care properly then the growth of child were disturb. The nature provide special power to girl to become a mother and feeding his newly born child.

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                • As far as feeding is concerned,yes a mom needs to do that. But rest assured,no child needs mothers milk after a year. Do tires recommend weaning I off after that age because mothers feed isn’t nutritional enough for a growing child. So I really see no reason why a woman should leave her job if she has to wait for a year, okay 2 years max. Taking a sabattical I understand, but giving up entirely on career? Why that?

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                  • If the wife were concentrated and build a career then she should not marry and when she successfully touch to aim then satisfies then she married otherwise option fir live bachelor permanently.

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                    • I’m sorry Daneel but if you’re trying to say that a woman should just marry if she does not want to work, especially after a child, then you’re exactly the kind of person I’ve talked about in this post. I’m a mother to a 3 year old. I have given much to stay by her side so she can have at least one parent with her at all timesespecialky beacause my husband sails for 6 months out of 12 every year. But at the same time I’m working from home and as soon as she starts school, I don’t think any reason exists for me to not work again. After school hours I’ll always be there for her, but at the same time I’ll always be ambitious as well. Are you trying to say women like me are wrong in wanting something else besides being a wife or a mother?

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                    • But if the girl works in multinational company then she did not give time their child and and jobs in different cities. the husband lived in other city and wife lives in another city then why married.

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                    • That’s something that parents have to work out between themselves. She can work from home, or he can too. Or they both can have jobs with overlapping shifts. Why are you only saying that a woman should leave her job. My own sister in law works in a multinational and both she and her husband work in overlapping shifts at times when there is no one at home to take care of their child. That’s what’s called responsible parenting.

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                    • I am not saying that women should leave their job. if she will not achieve the aim and make a carrer so why she married. and also for boys should nor marry until achieve a aim. when both the girl and boy achieve a aim them option for married otherwise enjoy bachelorship

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                    • Ok wait, someone need to earn the bread right. Both girls and boys deserve the freedom to pursue a career. But its often the women who have to choose between being a wife or a career woman. Why not men?

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                    • I ma saying views for both boys and girl, If boy and girl were in making a career and not for prepare for marriage then enjoyed a bachelor life. If both achieve the and satifies ther aim them option for married

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                    • Ok lets just call a truce here because there no point in repeating the same things again and again. Giving up careers is not an option for either gender because we need money to survive. Also, it gives a person certain sense of achievement. That’s why neither should have to give it up. That’s what I’m trying to tell you, that ambition and marriage can both coexist if the right balance is struck between the two. Balance is the keyword here.

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                    • In married life the balance between career and responsibilities were not balanced due to its both jobs and family pressure. Both the girls and boys were in arranged marriage then the problem increases because in arranged marriage the girl and boy did not meet before marriage and life is very difficult due to its unknown each other after marriage.

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                    • Yes, that’s why I say it doesn’t have anything to do with the type of marriage you have had. In some ways its tougher on a love marriage type wife because then if she goes against the wishes of her family she has an added burden to bear, one of proving that she was worthy of marrying into the family. You will never understand this till you see your own wife go through it. But for your sake and for the sake of womankind, I hope you she never faces this. All the best

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                    • Thank you Pradita, if you enjoyed and satisfies in married life without sacrifice the carrer and your husband is vary and supportine for your careerthen you are the best married couple.

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                    • That’s ok Daneel. I now understand why you have these views. Its because you’re inexperienced. I’ve always welcomed criticism. So it’s food to see that here. But for your sake and your future wife’s, I hope you will respect her freedom to be her own person.

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                    • Thank you Pradita. i did know the married life and worried about the future marriage due to this discussion with you for this problem arises after the marriage

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                  • If the girl doing their job she should not married until achieve a aim. If the girl continuing a job then option for a bachelor permanently. Girl well be happy and boys also happy.

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                    • It saddens me to hear your comment. That’s all I’ll say now and end this discussion. We need not agree on each and every opinion. Yours is contrary to mine and I thank you for airing them, but I’m sorry to say I don’t agree with you

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                    • I am sorry Pradita for my views to hurt you. My opinion was concentrated on the caring of the child. I am bachelor and enjoy in Bachelor life. Why girls and boys married. they should enjoy bachelor life and all problems solved

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                    • You know quite honestly bachelorhood is better. But our society won’t let us be bachelors for long. Some day you’ll marry and I hope then you’ll realise what it’s like for a woman to leave first her home behind, then her family, then her name, then even all the education she has received, just so she can be a wife. I hope you’ll realise then thay giving up so much for the sake of one tag is not justified. Women in the west have been working moms for ages, sometimes even being single moms. And let me tell you something,their children are far more independent and quick to learn than our Indian spoon fed kids are. When you can adopt the language, the habits and the food of the West, then why not this one ideology?

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  18. Every word of yours is so correct but it seems that our country and our people have lost it. They don’t think at all. And some elder women are themselves responsible. We can just do one thing and it is to stop the idiotic chain. By doing what is right..GREAT POST..

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  19. You always have great thought provoking topics that are much needed to express. It’s unfortunate these situations occur and people’s minds are still so medieval. But I personally admire your ambitions and dedication to this blog even if as a hobby because you are more than just a wife, a mother but a great writer. ☺

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    • Oh thanks a lot darling. I try to manage everything but still there is so much more that I feel I’m not able to do. For want of time, energy, resources or gumption. But I’m trying. And that’s one message I’d like to send out to all the women out there who are like me – never stop trying to achieve what you want in life.

      P.S. – I’ve read your email. And I’m waiting for a relaxed, laid back time when I can do it justice by being just as precise and thorough to it, just as you have been. BTW, I loved this one 🙂 I promise you, my email will come soon 🙂

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      • I understand. I feel quite the same as I had ambitions to go into the writing field after i graduated but becoming ill changed my life drastically, and I had succumbed to being confined indoors writing instead which I still love but it’s not a job and not something that could get me very far as I had planned. Them there are people who told me ” just get married and get looked after”..indicating my life would be better suited instead of feeling alone and trying to cope independently. It’s great there are people out there like you who still strive for their passion and won’t let others take charge. You do what you have to and how much you can.

        P.s that’s quite alright. It’s the reason I’ve lacked being around on here too. Or reading through several posts gets me overwhelmed at most . Take your time as always and this was a great read. ☺

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        • I quite understand your problem because you are one with a great talent.Still I’ll ask you to persist in writing whenever time and your health permits you because it can keep you sane, I swear it can.

          Thanks for the love and support. Hugs and love 🙂

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  20. Well, it is what it is. Do I think it’s right? Absolutely not. But is it going to change? Not anytime soon. And I guess the blame for that has to go to everyone. I know of a friend (female) who was among the toppers in her university and yet, all she wanted to do was to marry a rich guy and live off his riches. Who wants to work, eh?
    I’ve seen guys who want to marry graduate or postgraduate girls but don’t want them to work. No, no, absolutely no. That is a required precondition to the marriage.
    I have known elders who think a woman going out to earn is lowering the high watermark of the family’s “pride.”
    And of course there are parents of the girls who will let her study till she’s 22-24 and then marry her off as soon as the studies are done. Why allow her the time to be able to stand on her own two feet, economically?
    Well, that was a little rant of my own. Wonderful post, this. Apart from one minor typo, I didn’t see much wrong here. Maybe you should use your phone more, for blogging.
    And oh, maybe submit this to some paper or website?

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    • Ajit you always are very very supportive of my writing endeavors and I thank you for always egging me on. 😊

      Yes, I’ve known countless many like the ones you’ve described. Faced them too. And I just loathe the double standards thag our society has over female education. Maybe if we do wish to cling to our feudal mindset we should revert to the way it was before – stop educating our women, keep them at home and ban them from anything that even remotely smacks of ‘progressive behaviour’…. Or maybe we women should just leave the country or marry people from other countries, like how Dr. B above has suggested. This country does the seven its women.

      Thanks to men like you and the ones who’ve commented above, there’s stipp hope. But hope is all we have 😕

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      • Cheers to that continuing effort you’ve been making. 👍
        I think there is change, to be honest. But yes, it is miniscule compared to what it ideally should be. And most social changes take a lot of time to take effect. Untouchability was banned a long time ago and we still have people differentiating between man and man on the basis of birth. Likewise for women’s rights. Change will come eventually, that’s guaranteed. But when will that eventuality be a reality, well, I’ve got no idea.
        I don’t think marrying men from other countries will help. That’ll open up a new can of worms. Don’t you see how we behave with people of African descent? Then the bride’s family will ask for Caucasian grooms. After all, we are all fair and lovely, aren’t we? 😝

        And finally, men have to he secondary here. Thank you for the upvote but I believe it is every male’s responsibility to speak up and support women. You can’t have half the population in chains. That’s not the India we want, or need. Primarily, women have to stand up and fight for themselves. No one will consider a woman as being a man’s equal until she herself believes so. More power to them!

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  21. Reblogged this on The Two Doctors and commented:

    This has to be one of the best posts I have ever read, spontaneous, contextual, written from the heart. You can feel the passion and the outrage oozing from it. This is no superficial protest about politics, rights, or feminism; it is a raging condemnation of a culture which ignores the value of a woman’s education to society as well as to the self esteem of women themselves. There are too many nations on earth where such norms are prevalent yet there are more protests globally about who becomes president of the USA or Britain leaving the EU. This is a far more important issue and Pradita deserves lots more support globally for speaking out, so …… GET ON WITH IT AND SUPPORT!

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    • Thank you so sooooo much for your kind, embracing and encouraging words. If my words can inspire and change some women, especially those who believe that women shouldn’t work, then I’ll consider it the biggest achievement of my life. Thank you for reblogging 😊😊😊😊😊

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      • Well done Pradita, this post IS an inspiration and deserves global support. You are the first in my new reblog section I have called The Blog Chain (!) and I hope that your reblog of my Education article can strengthen the argument we make. But, I doubt I will get as many comments as you as I have fewer followers.
        I look forward to your interview notes too, it will also reinforce your message about educated women. Once again you will be the first in my The Blog Seat section. 🙏👍🕉👫

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        • Dr. I assure you you’ll get as much coverage because a lot of people here in India will identify with what you’re talking about (which, btw, sorry, I haven’t yet reblogged, but will do so shortly ). Nepal and India aren’t very different culturally and socially. What you’ve described is the common scenario in our village and even municipal schools. It’s only private schools in India which can actually boast of good scholastic environment. I’ve studied in private schools throughout and changed them as many as 5 times in my school life and I can tell you one thing – that a school doesn’t just become good by the facilities and teachers it provides, but also the values and ideals it believes in. However when the prerequisites of an education – decent teachers, are themselves flawed, there’s little learning you can achieve even in an air conditioned classroom (which my second last school taught me). That’s what your article clearly explains. Apathy towards real education is as prevalent in India as it is in Nepal. And we can only look towards gifted and committed individuals like you who can steer it in the right direction.

          Going over to my blog now to reblog your post. 😊😊😊

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  22. Great post !
    You have putted all emotions in this article which are totally visible .
    I also do support working women methodology because my mom is also working Women . I am not gonna compare us with foreign countries because we are different from others , our culture our mindsets are totally different .
    Now things should be changed , but this change​ should come from both sides .
    I would like to give an example if have watched ki & ka (Bollywood movie ) I am not going with story but one thing was cool in that movie , actor don’t want to do any job he just wanted to be a homemaker and working actress accepted him as a husband .
    I know movies are just movies but it can be a source of learning if we really want to learn .
    As you know not all girls want to do job and not all boys want to be homemaker 😁(I know it’s weird or just imagination)
    But if we go threw Indian culture
    All girl want a self dependent husband (sorry most of girls )
    Same like that most of boys want a girl who can cook food for him .
    This is just mentality , change should be from both sides
    If a working or well settled girl is ready to marry with a guy who is ready to be a homemaker 😁 then whole scenario will be different
    As we know according to Indian culture , our children doest matter in our life , we can’t ignore them even it’s our(both husband’s​ and wife’s) responsibility to take care of our children so one of us (wife or husband ) have to stay at home if we really love our child
    That’s it
    I am sorry but I can’t stop my emotions
    I support both
    Working or not working

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  24. I do understand the pain of being in such a society. But, tell me, don’t you think the girl must fight for her rights and not settle for someone who doesn’t encourage her career? I think one must fight and not give up on what they are entitled to.

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    • You’re right Yuhu (I’m sorry I don’t knwo you real name, so I’ll have to address you this way). But how many people should a woman have to fight? And why must she fight at all in a country which ostensibly offers both man and woman the same opportunities, the same freedom, in education, in career and in matters of life itself? But ok, that’s a very idealistic situation. So let’s go back to the reality of most Indian women. Not all women give up, some fight back. I did. But in most cases, women are quietened by claims of culture, family happiness and mostly by this dialogue, ‘you think you’ll earn so much that you’ll run the house?’… To what extent is a woman supposed to fight such criticism and such a mindset? And she’s supposed to live with these same people? If she strikes out, then she’s as good as dead for her adoptive family. And we all know just how supportive we Indians are to single and divorced women. Tell me then, how will a woman muster enough courage to fight so many odds stacked against her?

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  25. Girls in India are bought up with the sole aim of marriage. There is an illusion that the situation has changed, but it hasn’t moved one bit. The truth is that today even if they are educated it is based on the aim that she can be married of to a better family. And after serving the sole purpose of marriage, your education looses its value. Well written and much needed post. Cheers Girl 🙂

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  26. Pingback: Only the educated are free!: #3 The Meaning of Things | The Pradita Chronicles

  27. Reblogged this on Words and Notion and commented:

    Why are you complaining on denial of opportunities of education to a girl while more number of girls than boys are seen as faculties in schools and colleges? Oh, it’s a great achievement since she is not only educated but employed also. And yes, teaching is a safe and less hectic job for her, thinking from her parents’ perspectives.
    Feel pity on these cultured senseless thoughts.
    Why should a woman be educated while her whole purpose is just to get engaged in house hold stuffs? There are many uneducated women who manage home pretty well. So what’s the need of having a degree on her shoulder to prepare homely food? Is it just an entry pass in the matrimonial websites?
    There has been lots of progress in the field of female education. Never forgetting that progress as well as the contributions of brave historic women, let me ask “Does that trend match with the number of employed women in the country right now?”
    Or may be woman education is for controlling the population as she won’t get married at an early stage unlike the uneducated women. Pheww…

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    • Thank you so much Akhila for the reblog. Yes I agree, why educate us to cook food? And why shouldn’t all of us become teachers because that’s the only safe job for us, never mind that it has as hectic hours as any other job,and a dubious record for not being a very well paying job either. So by all means, let your girls stay uneducated at home. After all, a learned woman will only raise her hopes, and who wants that?

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  28. Prah! It is bloody insane. Stay strong, keep pointing at the bullshit and calling it out for what it is, and remember that traditions CHANGE. You, the young generation, will form the future. As cliché as it sounds, it’s still true.

    /Fny, cheering you on from the other side of the world

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    • Thanks a lot. Yes change does come about, but it’s coming at a snails pace and that’s what bothers me. It’s been more than 50 years since female education was formally started in India and we still don’t see women being able to actually utilize it in any real sense. Thank you for your encouragement. Btw, could you send me a link to your web page? When I tried reaching you through the link on WP, I was led to apage that said this website doesn’t exist.

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      • Oh! That is weird, the website most definitely does exist. 😀
        Adress: fromfny.wordpress.com

        And 50 years… yeah. It’s a snail’s pace for sure. Frustrating!

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  29. I relate to it, and I feel as much as anger in me. I am at a ;point in me life when people want me married nd expect the same for me. I just don’t know what to do. I mean how do these people even have such mentality? Why even become educated when you have to leave all behind because of someone else. I am just tired of fighting against them. Just when will people understand?

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  30. You have written it so well, your anger is so apparent. Even I have seen so many of my friends leaving their jobs just for the hack of taking care of family. After leaving a well paid job they are always looking out for something that can keep them occupied. Looking out for work from home options.
    What could be solution to this problem?

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    • Hi Megha, Sorry I’m replying so late. Your comment had been directed to spam by WP, I can’t understand why. Thank you so much for visiting my blog and reading this post. I’m sure there must be a lot of women of our geenration, or even generations after us, who have seen women leaving the workplace to settle for a role that they thought was meant only for those who didn’t want to work at all. It’s a very very common thing in India, more common than the number of working women. Its a shame really that we chose to educate our daughters, tell them that they can reach the moon, be anything they want, only in the end to have their hopes dashed by a ring on their finger. The solution you ask? Standing up for our rights and teaching the same to the generation after us.

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  31. This is the bitter truth in the present scenario where a woman is given wings and then later on caged by her in-laws with responsibilities. Is the household responsibilities of a family is only a woman’s job? Why can’t men too lend a helping hand so that their better halves can also contribute towards building a better future and her efforts don’t get futile

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        • True. It’s sad to see that the only real choice women seem to have is to either fight or succumb. Then why should we labor in schools and colleges at all, when ultimately we have to stand before stoves clean up pots? You are still unmarried, I think. I hope your generation has it easier

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            • It is absolutely. What I’ve noticed is that if the girl is earning, then took she’s expected to handle things at home entirely by herself, or she’s expected to earn because the money is needed to run the household, or pay some bills, and on top of that, she won’t have a say in how her own money is being spent. It’s as if we are being punished for working

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  32. I had goosebumps reading this, I’ll tell you why? I always felt this way, feel this even today 🙂
    We are so mature, sensible when it comes to instructing others, pointing out at others but you know what when it comes to us, we are afraid, afraid of so many reasons, reasons our parents have fed us which are just as hypothetical now as they were before. I seriously wish, that I won’t let my future family go through this, I would teach them what Equality really is 🙂 I wish everybody does, even if we start from ourselves we can make this world a happy place to live in 🙂 🙂 🙂
    You are a prolific writer, loved your blog 🙂
    Don’t stop writing, your post here had a huge impact on me and I think on everybody who read it…

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  33. I salute your courage in tackling this difficult issue. Are there any associations/sisterhoods in India that are designed to support educated women, and to change society’s attitudes? Those women who want to have a career need support from others who feel the same way. There’s great power in mutual support!

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    • Thank you for reading this. There are plenty of such associations and organisations. In fact, the law itself supports women equality and provides for equal opportunities at work. But they all fall flat in the face of our family and belief system. That’s where the fault lies. In our upbringing. How does one change that? Things are improving slowly, but at this rate, I’m sure the next 10 years or so will be the same for every working woman in this part of the world. Thank you once again for your kind words and time

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