I feel like I’ve wasted an entire lifetime,
On choices that weren’t mine to make.
I feel like this person I’ve become,
Is a stranger I wouldn’t deign to look at,
If she weren’t wearing my face.
I feel like my inner compass is broken,
I’m swiveling unhinged, uncontrollably,
In blinding dust storms that reek of sulfurous dread.
I feel like I’m at the cusp of something,
But that something is faceless, shapeless, nameless.
I feel these adjectives – directionless, aimless, hopeless, pitiful,
I am their personification.
I feel like the bonds I’ve forged with those I know, or thought I did,
Aren’t bonds but shackles that suffocate the life force in me.
I feel mistaken, misshapen, angry, annoyed,
Reckless, destructive, disoriented and crude.
I feel a loss so all-encompassing,
It swallows me whole like a bottomless abyss.
I fear everything and nothing in particular,
I’m not suicidal, but I can’t wait to die,
Start over as someone, something else, in another promising life.
I want to leave this shroud of skin and sinew behind,
Roam unfettered into the ether and beyond;
Unclaimed, unchained, unprovoked, unreal.
I want the answers to the questions that have been withheld
Just beyond my reach.
I want to feel,
I want to breathe,
I want to create,
I want to conceive,
‘Alive’ is what I want to be.
Copyright ©2017 by Pradita Kapahi.
All rights reserved.
Image Credits: fantasiesandlullabies