Don’t Know Why

I don’t know why
I’m getting all ‘their’ hate
I’m not a killer or a thief;
Just your average guy
With all straight A’s.
They say I’m a menace,
But hello! Since when?
I swear all I did
Was go to the dentist.

So my mom took me
To his clinic yesterday.
Now I hate the fellow
But his assistant, Tina’s a babe.
Besides, it was s’posed to be routine
Y’kno, get in there and out
Like in flat fifteen.

But shit, he said,
Not me, (I don’t cuss)
‘There’s a lot wrong here kid,
Hence the fuss’.
Beta, you need
An extraction…like now!’
‘Behenji, don’t mind,
But you need to step out’.

I’m seventeen
But I was pissing my pants.
I didn’t wanna let go
Of mommy’s hands.
But taklu sent her out
To stacks of Grahshobha
Three years stale,
While I quaked,
Gulping saliva by the pail.

The doors closed up,
The lights went dim.
From the chair of doom
The situation looked grim.
Pinned, I was injected with stuff
Went from ‘ouch’ in minutes
To a pile of slush.
You’ve been to a dentist before?
Then why waste time recalling a bore?

Came out and maa kasam
Tina hugged me to her chest.
Lucky me, I pinched her cheek
My face bloated, I said –
‘Daaaam, ai lauf ze zentissst!’
Felt a slap sting my cheek.
‘Tina nahi, main hoon, you creep!’
‘Mom?! When did you get this hot?
Oh shit, did I just say it out loud?’

She excused and sorried for us,
Pulled me out by the scruff.
Drunk assed, I clambered along
My legs were blue jelly
Kept out of the fridge too long.
There were four of everything –
Legs, hands, ears, mom’s eyes
My fingers were…damn,
What comes after nine?

Didn’t know we had
A monster truck for a ride.
The backseat was way up!
I felt like a termite.
Didn’t know Mom
Was Schwarzenegger,
She swooped me in
Like I weighed nothing!
But the ride home,
F#$, I mean what the f#$% bro,
Y’kno I don’t cuss,
But f.u.c.k.’s a handy noun, for sure.

The road was diamonds,
Rubies for traffic lights.
The green on the trees
Like neon in a Chandni Bar night.
And a dude pissed a rainbow
On the roadside.
We were underwater
And so was the sky
Kasam se, the clouds were like
White algae floating
On invisible pipes.

Came home,
Found bhai at the TV.
Playing my PS4, in my room,
Without my marzi!
Couldn’t, didn’t dare to talk yet.
Besides, don’t remember
Why I went to his closet.
But this morning,
He’s friggin’ outta his head,
Someone put his stash of Penthouse
On our parents’ bed.

Dinner was just
Vanilla ice-cream for me,
But across the table
Mom had laid out a feast.
Bhai jeered (he didn’t know yet),
‘Chicken khayega?’
Kameena offered me a leg.
Dad mocked
When I winced in pain.
‘Man up, chokre,
Thoda dard he toh hai.’

He showed off, ‘When I was your age,
I was lifting weights,
I wrestled men twice my age…’
I cut him off with a,
‘I don’t get how
You got moochas but a baldpate?’
I should’ve kept my gob shut.
Shit! Shit! Shit!
Go eat a duck!
Y’kno, I don’t cuss, not me, no
But it fits this poem
So I’ll do it some more.

See the effed up thing is
I didn’t stop there!
Oh no, I was Harishchandra
On a drunken rampage.
My jaw was unhinged
Like my brains I s’pose,
The worst was my tongue
Was Kevin Bacon in Footloose.

‘Mom, Dad snoops
On the padosin across the road.
The chatt isn’t for meditation,
But to udao some smoke.
And when you were at Nani’s
He called his friends over,
They drank, broke your mehengi china
And trashed it in the sarovar.’

The next thing I know
I was thrown in my room,
Where I found Captain Vyom
Flying a broom!
(Or maybe it was my dead cat
Hanging out on the veranda rail.)
My eyes were still unaligned
With my doped-up brain.

‘I’ll fly too,’ I declared,
My struggle up the rail
A monumental fail.
The stars came out
When I fell on my back,
Evening turned to night
And everything went black.

As of this morning
I’m a pariah in my own home.
I’m not allowed my chai,
Not allowed to leave my room.
They tell us, ‘don’t lie’.
Then what the hell!
What’s all this fuss about
A doped-up roasting spell?
What I did wrong, damned if I know,
But hell, I’m sure
I’m never going
To a dentist no more.


18555851_100676450514066_4494546682437471084_n.jpgCopyright © 2019 Pradita Kapahi